I think just about everyone dreams of finding the perfect relationship, the perfect match. I have been lucky many years ago I found mine. He was a patient listener, very protective. He loved many of the same things I did going for long hikes, lazing around on Sunday mornings before heading out to the beach. But heart-break came unexpectedly and abruptly. One day my darling dog passed away suddenly.
And there began a sequence of events that would remind me of something I think everyone needs to remember “Always listen to your mother”.
My girlfriends insisted that my next serious commitment should be with a two-legged dog (I mean male). Bless their beautiful well-intentioned souls, when it comes to romance and relationships all my friends – even the most sensible – seem to become raving optimists. They ignore the depressing statistics. According to the long-married Zig Kiglar in his best-selling book “Courtship after Marriage” 50% of first marriages fail, 60% of second marriages fail, and the third time is not the charm, 70% of third marriages fail. Yet people I know will tell me over and over about that one person they know who went on a blind date and met an employed, attractive fellow with no jail record and a decent credit score ... and how the two sailed happily ever after off into the eternal sunrise.
In throwing myself wholeheartedly into the world of human relationships, I tried to balance the hallucinations of my wonky, wonderful friends with the unbiased, informed guidance of experts. I found the expert input to be okay, but generally less useful than the money I paid for it. Dr. Barbara D’Angelis in her book “Are You the One For Me“ told me I should put forward a smiling demeanor on dates. I occasionally took her advice one step further and engaged in rip roaring laughter usually after the gentleman (and I use this term very loosely) casually mentioned something like:
“...yes, I have kids ...five ... but don’t worry I don’t see them ... they live with my ex-wife ... I mean wife ...its complicated.”
Many of the books and articles on dating and relationships warn it’s a jungle out there. They all lie – a jungle would be good, then maybe I would meet a courageous lion or a family focused elephant. It’s a darn farm out there – lots of jack-asses, loads of bull-you-know-what, a few pigs and some spineless chickens.
Dr. Phil McGraw in “Love Smart” his latest contribution to relationship drivel implies success is virtually assured if you become the type of person you want to attract. Yea, well tell that to TV-personality Star Jones, who after doing the hard work of physical and emotional transformation and celebrating her subsequent discovery of “Mr. Right” by penning her own relationship book “Shine“, found out soon after that like Crazy Columbus she had jumbled her coordinates and mistakenly landed at “Mr. Very Very Wrong”. Unfortunately, no matter what the Dr. Phil says there is not yet a fail-safe relationship compass that shows us true-North.
The 2nd best expert guidance I have heard came from Shirley McLain. In the movie “Rumor Has It” she turns to Jennifer Anniston’s character and says (and I misquote):
“Look, if you think you love him and if you want to marry him, then just marry him. It will either work or it won’t.”
“The” best all time relationship advice I have received was free, from Joan French (who holds a degree in marriage, divorce and motherhood from the highly ranked School of Life). Sometime after my beloved dog died but sometime before my sister decided to petition the court to gain formal separation from her husband (and I use the term loosely), and just around the time when it seemed everyone I knew and didn’t know was getting married, I was sitting with my mother across from her at the dining table of her home. It was one of those conversations that ebbed and flowed while mom (with glasses on) glanced through and occasionally frowned at, the local daily newspaper. After a particular ebb, I thought out loud – as though it was a task I felt I was obligated to do but didn’t really want to – “I should probably get married this year”. My mother slapped her hand down on the dining table killing a mosquito and then smiled in satisfaction. Just before returning the newspaper to its reading position she looked me in the eye and gently said “Why don’t you get a dog first.”
In other words, what Shirley & Joan are saying is that, after all the advice and statistics, after all the sensible things you can do get to know someone, relationships are about your head space/your commitment, and they always involve a risk! And your risk tolerance profile in all things should be about you, never about what the crowd is doing or peer pressure. If you don’t believe me, ask your mother!
(September 2008)
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